Saturday, July 10, 2010

Zombies Can Make Breathing Difficult

I'm a runner. Kind of. I actually enjoy it once I get over the wobbly legs and the stabbing sensation of my lungs rapidly exploding. Then it's kind of nice, but there is something I can't get over when I run: I always think about the wrong things. "The wrong things" come in many forms: dead kittens, pain, Paris Hilton, pain, not being able to breathe and the subsequent pain from the not being able to breathe thing. And then one of those things usually comes to fruition (the Paris Hilton one hasn’t happened yet, thankfully, but I’ll keep my eyes peeled, she’s a crafty one); it’s usually the not being able to breathe one. Not only do I have asthma but I have something called Vocal Cord Dysfunction which is similar but asthma is when it’s difficult to exhale and V.C.D is when it’s difficult to inhale. So basically, I’m screwed.

In high school I was on the varsity cross country team (as well as track, but that's a story for another time) and out of the eighteen races in the two seasons I competed I was only able to finish half of those. I wonder why, oh yeah! My body hates me! I either ended up having an asthma attack, the equivalent of an asthma attack but with V.C.D, and then that would turn into a panic attack from not being able to breathe, and sometimes, if I was lucky, there was a zombie attack. But that last one was easily dealt with because I have laser eyes. Not only do laser eyes help when battling zombies but they also make cooking food a whole lot easier.

I’ve learned to deal with my breathing for the most part and I only get the attacks when A) I exercise in really hot/cold weather and B) I start out too fast and my lungs  and throat can’t keep up with my legs. 

This season I started seeing a throat specialist and she taught me a few breathing exercises to help with my V.C.D. and now whenever I use the techniques I feel superior to everything else that breathes because I have a technique, and no one else knows it because they just breathe regularly (not nearly as cool). I can look at other runners when I'm out for a run and be like "Hey, you, I bet you don't have special breathing techniques. Do you? I didn't think so. You're not special like me!" and that's when I run in front of them and show off my superior breathing skills.

Sometimes that plan backfires and I overdo my breathing techniques and I get lightheaded and because of that I have trouble breathing again and I have to stop showing off and then I get all self-conscious. But let me tell you, I look like a superhero when I use my special breathing powers. A fucking superhero. Just call me Super Breathing Girl, because that's what I do now: breathe.

1 comment:

  1. I am getting a great visual here of you running down the street with your lungs and throat about five paces behind, having trouble keeping up with your legs.