Sunday, July 11, 2010

Frodo had it Easy

For those of you that live on a hill, especially one as large and unyieldingly steep as mine, I feel your pain. Have you ever gone on a walk or run and decided to head down said hill and then realize that once you get to the bottom you'll have to go all the way back up to get home? Or have you decided to go up instead to try and trick your hill into thinking that there is no more downhill once you get to the top so therefore no more uphill? Well, fuck it, because you forgot that you live too close to the top of the hill to actually have a decent walk/run by just going uphill. So then you have to go down the other side of the hill and then you can come back up again. You don't have a very nice hill.

This happens every time I want to go anywhere; my hill is completely incapable of giving me a break. It's like Mt. fucking Doom, but Frodo had it easy because he only had to go up the mountain once. I live there, Frodo. You don't understand!

Every time I go on a run guess what I have to do, that's right, I have to run up a very long, very steep hill at some point of my run. You may be thinking, "But Kristin, you don't have to deal with the orcs or the fiery pits or your murderous desire for the ring", and you know what, why do you assume that I don't have to deal with orcs? 'Cuz I do. Seriously. They're real and they live on my hill. See? Totally an orc wound.

*Not real, but that'd be a cool story if it was
Anyway, I figured that if you live on a hill like I do you could use some helpful tips about how to survive your next run/walk on Mt. Doom. I'm an expert so you should listen to me.

Tip #1) Always carry a large knife on your person while out and about. This may appear strange to neighbors, but that's okay because they'll be the ones getting eaten by orcs, not you. A sheild would also be good to carry but I understand that those can be unwieldy when running. For now just stick with the large knife.

Tip #2) Orcs love a good hobbit, so my advice would be to find some hobbits and carry them with you as decoys. The best place to carry them would be a backpack. Also, if hobbits are hard to come by in your area you can settle for babies.

 Tip #3) AVOID THE EYE AT ALL COSTS. Think of it as a really dangerous game of hide-and-go-seek. The best way to avoid the eye is to run near bushes and thick forested areas on your hill so you can be ready to hide in them. However, there is no need to go jumping in those bushes all willy-nilly. You don't want to damage your hobbits (or babies depending on your area). You probably just heard a car pass by, not the eye. The eye doesn't need a car to find you.

 Tip #4) Buy a sturdy pair of running shoes. I recommend Mizuno's.

PS. If you don't live on a really big hill you may not want to employ these tactics.


  1. Thanks for the safety tips. Orcs suck and they are like everywhere!

  2. I'm not commenting on this one because I don't want to comment too much and seem like a total stalker.

  3. willowfriend- You're welcome. I just like to know that you're safe.

    Siren- Yeah, you were starting to creep me out. (not really, it's flattering, you should definitely keep stalking me)