Monday, August 30, 2010

Girl Crushes (and why I'll be alone for the rest of my life)

I'm an obsessive person by nature; always have been. This can be a good thing:

But most of the time it's really not:

When I was seven I became hopelessly in love with Tweety Bird and learned everything I could about the cartoon canary (Who is actually a boy bird, believe it or not. How the creators expected people to know that, I have no idea. I still don't believe it.). Strangely enough, I was never interested in watching the cartoon, I just liked the character which consequently made me strongly dislike cats. You know, because of Sylvester. Just so people would know that I liked Tweety I made sure to draw little Tweety heads everywhere. Oversized bird heads turned up on school papers, my pants, my best friend's pants, my mom's pants (I don't recall her being as happy about it as I was), as well as other prime locations, and these shenanigans went on unhindered  for a few years allowing me to build a small army of inaccurately drawn Tweety Bird heads.

This obsession culminated in my begging my parents for a real Tweety Bird who I promised I would love and feed and take on walks and play frisbee with forever and ever. I honestly don't know how I convinced tham that this was a good idea. One day I came home from school (this was in the fourth grade, I think) and a small yellow bird was staring at me from a cage on the floor. It was not what I expected. This bird's head wasn't completely disproportionate to its body. It's feet didn't look like small orange boats; they weren't even orange. I didn't know how to react. There was a stranger in my house, but I didn't want to be rude so I reached into the cage and picked the thing up; it crawled onto my head and I fell in love. Then it took a dump on me and our relationship became somewhat strained, but we worked it out.

Shortly after that I became disenchanted with Tweety Bird (although I did name my new bird friend Tweety in honor of me obsession). However, for many years after my stint with the big-headed bird I still harbored a dislike for cats.

Post-Tweety I found myself completely enamored with many more things: soccer, t.v. shows, movies, comics, etc. but my passion does not only swell for non-living things, sometimes people are subject to my obsessive tendencies. For some reason the people I fangirl over are generally women. I don't know really understand why I tend to favor women over men when it comes to celebrity crushes so sometimes I pretend I'm a psychoanalyst trying to figure this out so I push up my imaginary glasses (all therapists wear glasses, right?) and I ask myself questions about myself. I think we still have a few more sessions to go until I find the cause of these girl crushes.

I got my first girl crush when I started getting interested in t.v. shows, and I;m not proud to admit this, but my first t.v. love was Smallville. Like, I was completely obsessed with it. I even convinced my family that we should go to Vancouver, B.C. for vacation (that's where the show films) and then I made them drive through Cloverdale so we could see downtown Smallville. Oh man, was am I a nerd. Good times. But the girl crush that came out of my love for the show was Kristin Kreuk. I don't know if it was the name, but whatever it was I was crazy about her. I went through my normal "getting to know you: stalker style" steps when it came to learning everything I could about her: check her out on IMDb, stalk her fanpages, read her interviews, look at the entire gallery of her fanpage (multiple times), daydream about being best friends, etc. You know, the classic fangirl antics.

After looking through the galleries I noticed that whenever she smiled her nose would crinkle in a really adorable way, so I figured that if she looked cute because of her nose crinkle I would look cute too, and anything that made me more like her could only be a good thing.

And so ended my crush on Kristin Kreuk.

Kristen Bell came next. Again with the name, right? But I was starting to deviate (there's a whole letter of difference!). After Smallville I moved to Veronica Mars, and consequently, from Kristin Kreuk to Kristen Bell. This onslaught of girl crushes continued for a few years and included the likes of Audrewy Hepburn, Natalie Portman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kate Winslet, Tina Fey, Summer Glau, Lena Headey, Claire Danes, Jayma Mays and most recently Ellen Page.

Recently I've spent some time trying to figure out the connection between these women, and here's what I came up with:

Conclusion: I like short girls with small boobs. They can be funny and smart too. And if they're not short they still have small boobs. Except Kate Winslet, but she's Kate Winslet, bitches.

And because I can.

And my honorary girl crush...

Yes, that is Joss Whedon.